Motherhood: I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Anymore

“I don’t know. I just don’t feel like myself anymore,” I was standing in my kitchen saying these words to my husband, my closest confidant, the love of my life, the one who knows me best, and here he was, standing there like he had no hint anything was off. 

How dare he? 

Does he know me at all?! Of course something was off! 

How could he not tell that I was so sad, and so happy, and so tired, and so grateful, and so worried, and so content? Wait … what am I? Maybe I’m just having a bad day. I’ve had a rough few weeks. This stage of motherhood is hard and blah blah blah. 

Who was I before I could manage a joint checking account, pay 100 assorted bills every month, search for reliable and affordable childcare options, purchase a new seasonal wardrobe for every member of the household and store last seasons in the same breath, fill out the household calendar, do the holiday crafts for Grandmas, make sure everyone’s shoes still fit, rotate the toys, make the trips to speech therapy, make the weekly menu full of healthy yet delicious meals that don’t exist, shop for said meals, and cook said meals … (sharp inhale)

Who was I? I don’t know anymore. 

I just don’t feel like myself anymore. 

Maybe that’s why I’m mad –

Because I’m too tired and too busy to even remember who I was, so shouldn’t he remember?

Shouldn’t he notice I’m not her anymore? The girl he fell in love with.

The girl who woke up one Wednesday and put her house up for sale, interviewed for a new job the next day, and was moved to a new city the following month.

The girl who would laugh so hard she’d induce an asthma attack. 

The girl who would have an idea at breakfast and have it planned and executed by lunch. 

The girl who would want to get away and have the trip booked before she had time off approved. 

She was wild. And free. And so light. Levitating. 

A few weeks ago, I told my husband that I want to write a book. He sat quietly and listened to me as I explained to him my ideas for the opening chapters.
“Is that crazy?” I asked him. 

Last week, I had an inspiration to start a craft business. I explained to him my vision with spark and excitement. It took everything in me not to buy all of the supplies that very day. I imagined my advertising and target demographic. 

“Is that crazy?” I asked him. 

 No, it’s not crazy. It’s just a little part of me again. 

Vibrant. Excited. Unpredictable. Imaginative. Effervescent. The parts of me that seem to have been gone for so long – still there. The best parts of me. The parts that don’t get shown off when I’m giving baby baths or cleaning up meals. 

I want nothing more than to be lost in motherhood right now. I truly feel so blessed to live this life. But there is a difference between being lost in motherhood and being alone in the dark in motherhood. I am finding my light by leaning into those things that pull me into a discomfort zone again, slowly. Giving myself a chance again.