Hitting 40 this month has me reflecting on the past decade: what I’ve learned, how I’ve changed, and who I’ve become along the way. In my 20s, I had motherhood all mapped out. I’d raise polite, kale-eating, book-reading little humans who thrived on structure. I was convinced there was one right way to do it all, and naturally, I’d do it flawlessly. Looking back, I can see that 20s me was kind of a perfectionist … and kind of judgey, too.
Fast forward to 40 (well, 39). Two kids, many sleepless nights, and years of trial-and-error later, I’ve learned that motherhood isn’t about getting it perfect. We’re all just doing our best, adjusting on the fly, and giving ourselves as much grace as we can. Here are a few of the things I swore I’d never do as a mom … and the ways real life humbled me:
1. “I’ll never dress my kids in the same outfit.”
In my 20s, I thought twinning kids screamed cheesy. Surely I’d have the energy and creativity to curate unique wardrobes for each child. Reality? Some mornings, matching outfits are the only thing that gets us out the door without a meltdown. Bonus: they’re undeniably adorable in pictures, and when they pick out the same shirt on their own, it melts me every time. Turns out, there’s no shame in leaning into the cute.
2. “I’ll never let dinner happen anywhere but around the dinner table.”
I pictured cozy family dinners every night — home-cooked meals, long conversations, and everyone gathered neatly around the table. The reality? Between daycare pickups, work, and sheer exhaustion, some nights dinner happens whenever and wherever it happens. And that’s okay. I’ve learned the connection isn’t about the perfect setting or the food on the table. It’s in the little moments: laughing together over Happy Meal toys and french fries, asking questions about their day that get answered with a shrug (like “did you eat your lunch?”), or splitting a bag of Dots pretzels while curled up in our pajamas.
3. “My kids will always eat so healthy, no junk!”
Oh, the lofty ideals of my younger self. I envisioned a colorful plate of veggies, quinoa, and organic fruit smoothies. But my eldest son? He swears vegetables are only for animals, believes water gives him a stomachache (yes, water), and insists on only one very specific shape and brand of chicken nuggets. If the nugget isn’t the right kind, he won’t touch it.
I still aim for balance, but I’ve realized that what my kids eat on a random Tuesday won’t define their entire future. At the end of the day, I’m just glad he’s eating. We introduce new foods. Sometimes he surprises me and likes them, other times it’s a hard no, and that’s okay. It’s progress, not perfection.
4. “No screens, ever!”
This was my hill to die on in my 20s. I swore I’d never hand my kids a screen, convinced it would rot their brains and destroy their creativity. Enter real life: tablets have saved my sanity more than once. Long car rides? Lifesavers. Doctor’s office waits? Essential. And yes, sometimes my husband and I just want to have one nice dinner without constant interruptions, and the tablet buys us that moment of peace.
The difference is that I’ve stopped attaching guilt to it. I know I’m not “failing” if my kids watch a show so I can drink my coffee while it’s still hot. Grace, not guilt, is my new rule of thumb. Do I get looks when I hand my kids their tablets? Absolutely. But one of the best things about (almost) 40 is that my need to people-please has gone way down, and I care a whole lot less about those looks.
5. “I’ll 100% not work when they get home.”
I thought I’d draw a hard line: once my kids walked in the door, work would be over for the day. But being a working mom has taught me that balance isn’t always that neat. I do my best with time-blocking to limit the “after-hours” grind, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. There are days I answer emails while they snack or finish a project after bedtime — and I’ve realized that’s not a bad thing. My kids see me working hard at something I care about, and they learn that mom has her own goals and passions, too. It’s less about being “all in” every second and more about showing up with presence when it matters most.
6. “My kids will be super fashionable. No cartoon shirts!”
I used to imagine my kids as these little style icons, dressed in perfectly coordinated, Instagram-worthy outfits. I was ready to be that mom. Reality check: my kids think nothing I buy is as cool as a Ninja Turtles t-shirt or Pokémon hoodie. Those “nice” outfits I want them to wear? They usually end up shoved in the drawer while they proudly sport characters plastered across neon sweatpants. Seeing their little personalities shine through their clothing choices matters more than curated fashion.
7. “I’ll never let babies slow me down. I’ll stay so active from the start.”
Oh, the fantasy: glowing, toned, and bouncing into yoga with a green smoothie in hand. The reality? Pregnancy hit me like a truck, and so did those sleepless nights with babies. All I wanted was to nap, eat sandwiches, and keep saltines within arm’s reach. There was no marathon training or goddess-like glow, just survival mode with carbs. And I’ve learned that was perfectly okay. Growing and raising a human is hard work, and if your body wants rest and sandwiches, that’s what it needs.
8. “I’ll never be the mom who doesn’t cook dinner every night.”
This one makes me laugh the hardest. In my 20s, I thought I’d channel my inner Martha Stewart, whipping up home-cooked meals every single night. Reality? I don’t even like cooking for myself, let alone planning and prepping dinner daily for a family. Some nights I make a meal (my husband is laughing as I write this), other nights it’s takeout or “fend for yourself” leftovers. And that’s okay. My kids don’t need a gourmet chef! They need a mom who shows up, even if dinner is grilled cheese.
9. “I’ll never live in a chaotic house.”
I was certain my house would look like something out of a Pottery Barn catalog — spotless, minimal, and curated. I also swore I wouldn’t be that mom who bought every gadget or toy under the sun. But then I walked into the store and realized I wanted to collect Disney Cars just as much as my kids did. My living room often looks like a toy store exploded, and the dishes don’t always get done before bed. But I’ve realized a lived-in home is a happy home. They’ll remember the dance parties we had in the middle of the mess.
10. “I’ll never lose my cool or patience.”
This one stings a little because it came from a place of judgment. I swore I’d never be the mom raising her voice in Target or losing her cool over spilled juice. But real life has taught me that patience has limits, especially when you’re running on little sleep, caffeine, and stress. I’ve learned that yelling doesn’t make me a bad mom. It makes me a human mom! The important part is circling back with an apology and showing my kids what it looks like to make mistakes and own them.
The Realization
My 20s self thought she knew everything. She judged. But now I know better. Motherhood is about PRESENCE, not perfection. It’s about doing your best in the season you’re in and letting go of the judgment, especially the self-judgment.
At 40, I finally understand: the rules I swore by don’t matter nearly as much as the love my kids feel. They won’t remember whether I enforced a nightly routine, if their nuggets were dinosaur-shaped, if their outfit was Instagram-worthy, or if dinner was cooked from scratch. They’ll remember feeling safe, loved, and accepted, and that’s more than enough.
Happy Birthday to me.
