When we started fostering, hubby and I were very clear that we were doing it with each kiddo’s best interest at heart. We didn’t get into fostering because we were infertile or dreamed of adopting a sweet newborn with our Pinterest-perfect chalkboard sign. We wanted to give back, contribute to our society, and stand up for those kiddos who were brought into this world and then trampled on. We agreed that if it was in the best interest of any of our foster kids to stay with us, then we would happily adopt or do guardianship, but that was never our end goal.
We’ve had six children placed with us in over three years. And to our surprise, out of the six, all have asked us at one point or another to adopt them. But it is not as simple as a child asking you to adopt them and it being in their best interest. It’s complicated. There are siblings, biological relatives, a future move that will take my hubby and I out of the state in a few years, a resource limitation preventing us from taking on multiple kids with extensive trauma histories. And to determine what is the best interest of each child there is a team of people including ourselves, case workers, Guardian Ad Litems, Deputy Juvenile Offers, Court Appointed Special Advocates, sibling foster parents, adoption workers, licensing workers, therapists, etc. And five of those six asks had to be compassionately denied with explanations of why it was better for them that we didn’t adopt them. Never an easy task, but in the end, those five children are in their forever homes thriving – doing much better than they would have if they had stayed with us.
Yet for one of those six cases, the stars lined up (after we made some concessions on our end) and when our 15-year-old Mariposa[i] asked us if we would adopt her, we were able to say yes. The bravery in that ask was monumental. The vulnerability she must have felt asking two people she lived with for less than a year to be her legal mom and dad was inspiring. Very much a teenager now, Mariposa grew up with a loving mother and lots of extended family, but she ended up at 14 with no one to take her in and was forced into the foster care system. She didn’t want to be there any more than any other child, and the idea of being in the foster care system or being adopted into a new family was completely foreign to her. When Mariposa moved in, just two weeks before her Quinceañera, she never imagined that one day she would be our legal daughter, and here we are a year later, on our way to adopting this amazing 16-year-old young lady.
And on adoption day, the chalk board with the “XXX number of days in foster care” will stay on Pinterest, but the commemoration will happen in our own way, as a family, led by Mariposa. Having to say good-bye, legally, to her biological family is heartbreaking no matter the circumstances. But adding more family to her extended tribe of people who love her, who have seen her grow up, and who will support her and encourage her forever is something to celebrate. And to celebrate in her way.
[i] Names are changed for confidentiality.
