Today I sang a Christmas song to my daughter before her nap. The holidays have all passed and I’m still feeling the joy that usually ends on December 25 at 9:59pm.
Oh, what song? It’s “Jolly Old St. Nicholas” and for some reason she thinks it is best sung by me right before she closes her eyes. Any other song is greeted by her whining and fake tears. I really do need to try out for The Voice next season.
But, seriously, one year ago, you wouldn’t have found a sight similar to today’s.
One year ago, I was in the middle of an ugly fight with postpartum depression. I would sing the most pitiful version of “You Are My Sunshine” to my girl and more often than not it would be with tears streaming down my face.
One year ago, January was quite possibly the hardest month for me during my first year of motherhood.
This last year was different. I was able to embrace the joy the holiday season has to offer. I was able to be present and enjoy my little family. I was able to sing to my girl without tears streaming down my face. I was finally kind to myself and forgave myself for all the mistakes I thought I made when it came to loving my daughter.
I’ve been able to “get better” and I want to share what has helped me. It may be different for you and you may not feel hopeful about your outcome, but there can be a brighter end to postpartum anxiety and depression.
Honesty
This was tough for me. I kept confusing what I saw on Instagram and Facebook as a standard for how to live my life. I became so consumed with blogs about how to nurture an infants little mind that I forgot that I was given this precious life because I was exactly what she needed.
What we see online can be such a facade and it can hurt us far more than it can help us. I started being honest with my capabilities as a mother and how I wanted my husband and I to raise our daughter. I was honest about how hard it was to wake up every day and by simply saying “I had a rough day” it allowed me to live a truth where others knew how to fully respond and love me. It also allowed me to be honest about how motherhood changed me.
Grace
There were some days when I literally looked towards a mirror and never in it. I would avoid my reflection at all costs. Where was that Ashley I once knew? Where was the Ashley who smiled and knew it was genuine? Where was the old me? I needed to learn to offer myself a warm cup of Grace because that old Ashley was never going to be back. There is no going back when you become a mom. Your priorities change and your passions can even become lackluster. It isn’t always bad, but learning that things will be different and that you’ll need time to adjust and find yourself again makes the Grace important. You’ll be different and those who haven’t experienced parenthood may wonder why you’re so different and they’ll need grace too as they may say things that leave your head cocked to the side.
Therapy
Now, if being honest and extending grace was difficult, imagine how it must feel to confide in a complete stranger that you need help. I did that again when I moved to the STL. I remember the first night I went to her office it had just snowed. The day was dreary and I was over living here. I didn’t want to talk to a therapist again and I surely didn’t want to even admit to some of the negative thoughts I had over the previous few weeks. But I did, and after each session when I fully apply the techniques that she has given me to overcome anxiety and toxic thoughts, I noticed a genuine shift in my mood and thoughts. It’s still a work in progress.
The only way I was able to become [mentally] healthy again was through therapy, medication, openness with my support system and grace from God. What worked for me may be different than what you need, but there is a solution and there are people who are willing to walk with you through this.
Allow 2019 to be the year you look back and realize that you’ve taken the steps necessary to become a healthier version of yourself. Allow 2019 to be a year like no other.
If you feel like you’re struggling with postpartum depression/anxiety or general depression, please make every effort to confide in someone right now. There are resources available right now.
