Do you ever find yourself overwhelmed by the enormity of what it means to be a parent? I do. Often. The monumental task of raising my two small daughters to be good humans stretches out before me. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t second guess myself and wonder, “Am I doing this right?!” Maybe that’s why recently Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead made such an impact on me.
A little background: Brene Brown has spent over a decade researching vulnerability. She defines vulnerability as engaging, being all in, despite uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Fear, specifically fear of shame and judgement, will keep us with our walls up, disconnected from the people around us, but finding the courage to be vulnerable allows us to put shame and fear in its place and live “whole-heartedly.”
So, what does it mean to be a vulnerable parent? How do I raise whole-hearted children? Am I doing it all wrong? As if she was directly answering my question, Brown puts it this way: “The question isn’t so much ‘Are you parenting the right way?’ as it is ‘Are you the kind of adult that you want your kids to grow up to be?’”
Cultivate Worthiness
The first and most important step is raising children who believe their worth as person isn’t tied to preconditions. The outside world will tell them that if they aren’t smart enough, good looking enough, athletic enough, popular enough—and the list goes on—that they aren’t worthy of love and belonging. Our job is to model that, in fact, they are worthy just as they are.
While I agreed with this idea in theory, my oldest is three, not really ready for philosophical discussions about intrinsic self worth. How does this translate to the trenches of parenthood? One way is to avoid using shame as a parenting tool. I can let my preschooler know her behavior needs to change without putting her essential worthiness in question, To do this, Brown suggests using “guilt talk” versus “shame talk.” Shame talks says, “You are bad,” while guilt talk says, “You did something bad.” The shift in language may be subtle, but guilt talk allows her to make a poor choice and still have a chance to do better next time.
Be the Change
But, the (easy to say, hard to do) key to it all is being the kind of person I want my children to become. Passing on the values of worthiness and resilience requires me to live them, not just talk about them. I can tell my daughters that their worth is not tied to a narrow standard of beauty, but if they constantly hear me complaining about all the ways I feel that my body doesn’t measure up, they’ll hear my real message loud and clear. When I do let shame get the best of me, they need to see me reset and bounce back.
Sharing is Caring
Another powerful tool is normalizing experiences of shame, judgement, or pain. Did a teacher shame them? Is their body changing in unfamiliar ways? Are they feeling left out? Jealous of sibling? I can share about a time as a child or adult when I felt similarly. Normalizing lets them know they aren’t alone in their struggles, and by being vulnerable with them, I’m modeling that it’s okay to discuss feelings of vulnerability. It also creates an opportunity to help them reframe experiences with their essential worthiness in mind.
So much about this approach to parenting inspired me, but I confess, I was particularly feeling all the ways I fall short. However, Dr. Brown puts it this way, “ Wholehearted parenting is not having it all figured out and passing it down—it’s learning and exploring together.” When I read that, I let out the breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. Parenting perfection is not the goal. My girls and I are on a journey together. We’ll make mistakes, learn, and try again.
For a mom who definitely doesn’t have it all figured out, I can’t think of anything more freeing!
