Being “Stepmom”

Stepmoms, raise your hand! ??

Y’all, being a mom is hard…like, really really hard. Being a stepmom, well, that’s a whole new level of hard! Prior to becoming a stepmom, I used to think, “How hard can it be? Someone else raises the kid(s) most of the time and the decisions aren’t really yours to worry about.” Wrong! Have you ever stopped to laugh at your previous self? I have. I’m not talking a giggle at my younger naive self, I’m talking full-on knee-slapping belly laugh where I was afraid I’d pee myself. I won’t claim to know it all; however, I have 14 years of motherhood and 10 years of step-motherhood under my belt and I’d like to think I’ve learned a few things. Maybe you’re new to stepmommin’ and maybe you’ve been doing it way longer than I have (tips, please?!), but here are the top six things helping me navigate “being stepmom”.

1. Whether you like it or not, you’re married to the other parent too. 

Sorry, no way around it. If you marry a man with kiddos and an ex in the picture, you married the man, the kids, AND the ex. Use your feminine super powers, put on your big girl pants, and make it work. I’m not saying you have to be besties with this other woman in your man’s life, BUT strive to make it as friendly as you can. I promise you, your life will be much calmer if you just embrace this other woman as an acquaintance for life. If y’all end up planning birthday parties together and gossiping over wine – more power to ya.

2. Take everything said about you with a grain of salt. 

Negative things are going to be said about you by “the other side”. Unless you have this magic fairy-tale of a relationship with your spouse’s ex, it’s going to happen. I’ve been called some names that aren’t “publish-appropriate,” albeit very hilarious to me now. I used to get so upset. I’d cry. I’d fume. I’d want to say some nasty things back. However, I’d just call a girlfriend, say the things I had to say, cry the tears I wanted to cry, and then roll my eyes and move on. Now, I’ve never forgotten those things, but what good will come of me fighting with my stepdaughter’s mom? Umm none that I’m aware of.

3. At times, you will need to play peacemaker. 

It just comes with the title. If your spouse is fuming about something his ex said or did, take a step back and help calm the situation. I can’t count how many times I’ve had to put a loving view on the things being said or did from the other side. Do I always agree with them? Nope. However, I can usually find a reasonable explanation (even if it’s teeny-tiny) that B’s mom would make a certain decision. If we’re all fuming at each other over something silly like how short a hair cut should be, are we being productive parents? I’m thinking, no. 

4. Embrace child support.

For the love of all things green with presidential faces, just do it. Whether it’s by court order or not, do it. In the case of my stepdaughter, there is not a court order. We came to a financial agreement that worked for all of us. When my husband gets raises, we raise what we send accordingly. Have there been fights about it? Has the question “did you send my check?” been asked? Have eyes been rolled when checks are written? Yes. Yes. Yes. Whether you think you’re buying the other person a new Coach purse or you think you’re helping keep a roof over a child’s head, that’s on you. Let me tell ya, that check is a lot easier to write when you let yourself believe the money is going to the well-being of the child.

5. Have fun with your own unique situation. 

This past summer, after being in B’s life for almost ten years, I decided I hated that she called me by my first name. (She called me Ra-Ra as a baby and then Sarah once she was able to pronounce it.) One day we were killing time before my cousin’s wedding and I said, “Hey, B! What if we picked a fun name for you to call me? You have ‘mommy’, ‘daddy’ and your sisters. What if you called me something other than ‘Sarah’?” She thought long and hard. I, actually, started questioning myself and if I’d just made a huge stepmom boo-boo. Then she looked right at me and said, “How about Emoji Poop?!?!” Well, alright then. After lots of laughs and several suggestions, she decided on “Mami”. Every once in a while, I’ll get a random “Hey, Emoji Poop!”

6. You DO have an important role!

Negative things may be being put into the universe about you. I promise, it’s going to be okay. What’s important is knowing your own importance. Whether your stepchild(ren) live with you full-time or every other weekend, every moment they spend in your presence has an impact on them. Every.Single.Moment. One day, B was in the car with me and I told her we needed to go to Target. She asked, “Why not Mal-mart (Walmart)?” My reply: “I don’t really like Walmart, but I LOVE Target.” Ever since then, she’ll say, “Mal-mart is nasty! We love Targert!” I’m pretty sure her mom shops at “Mal-mart”, so I don’t know how she feels about B’s new love for “Targert”. Whoops! Point being, whether you impact them in a huge way, in a tiny way, or only in their choice of chain stores…your role is important! 

Ladies, mommin’ ain’t easy and stepmommin’ realllllly ain’t easy. Embrace it. Make it yours. Be empowered and make an impact on these kids that you’re blessed to help raise.