As the holiday season is nearly upon us, I thought I’d share a few ways that my husband and I balance the different traditions of each of our families. You might be wondering…the holiday season? Isn’t it September? Is this lady already setting up her Christmas tree? First of all, I wish. Second of all, for those who practice Judaism, we are entering the holiday season – the High Holidays season. Rosh Hashanah kicks it off on September 9, followed by Yom Kippur, Sukkot, and Simchat Torah, all taking place in September and early October this year.
These holidays are important for me because my husband’s family is Jewish. We’ll celebrate their faith’s two biggest holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, times of penance and celebration of a new year on the Jewish calendar) with his family. I also have many dear friends who are Jewish and we are invited to celebrate Sukkot each year with some of them.
As someone who identifies as Christian, I love learning more about the beautiful and ancient faith of Judaism. It can also be challenging, however, to celebrate a holiday when you’re the only one who, quite literally, does not speak the language.
There are a number of topics that fall under the “interfaith marriage” umbrella, but I’m only going to focus on holidays today. Below are a few ways we respect each other’s – and our own – beliefs during our differing holiday seasons:
- Learn about each other’s religious holidays. I love learning about and understanding Jewish traditions. In some situations, I am the most informed member of my husband’s family! Okay, that happened once. I also enjoy sharing with my husband the finer points of the (non-Santa-related) history of Christian holidays.
- Set clear expectations for the religious observance of the holiday. Do you expect your partner to attend religious services with you? What about your kids? Set those expectations early and confirm them often. What you think you’re comfortable with at the beginning may change (in fact, expect changes), and it’s important to speak up.
- Set clear expectations for the celebratory aspect of the holiday. Our first two Christmases together, my husband and I went on vacation, taking advantage of our offices being closed. I realized on our second annual trip that I desperately wanted to spend Christmas with my family and my own Christmas tree (I really love Christmas trees, in case you couldn’t tell). Now, my husband knows that family is necessary for me on Christmas. And that our home will be invaded by a small forest.
- Include the in-laws. My dad has celebrated Chanukah with my in-laws, and my aunt always invites my in-laws to celebrate Christmas and Easter with us. Doing so makes the holidays less “us and them” and more “all of us.”
- Whatever you do, do it with joy. It’s important to me that my husband enthuses over my Christmas traditions, some of which are admittedly ridiculous. Therefore, I show enthusiasm for the traditions his family observes, such as wearing silly masks to recognize the various plagues of Passover, lighting the Chanukah candles each night of that holiday, and eating my bodyweight in lox and latkes, to name a few. You get what you give, my friends.
By the by, all of these tips probably apply to you even if you and your spouse practice the same faith and grew up in the same church/synagogue/temple/mosque. All families celebrate holidays differently. Compromise, communication, and mutual respect are critical components to keeping the peace – and joy! – during any holiday season.
