Hope Springs Eternal in the Beautiful Chaos of a Mother’s Heart

Reflections on the Spring Equinox and my baby turning ten years old. 

We may currently be in “Fool’s Spring” or “Third Winter” as I write this. Springtime in the 314 (and across the river in the 618) is always full of weeks where we somehow mark sunshine, 70 degrees, tornado warnings, and 20 degrees plus snow on our weather bingo card. Do we get a prize? Not unless you count staying humble and keeping us on our toes.

Whether it feels like spring or not, the Spring Equinox is here! Usually falling on March 20th, give or take a day depending on the year, the Vernal Equinox is our astronomical spring, when we have that almost perfect balance of light and dark hours, bringing longer and brighter days, spring weather and a chance for renewal. The equinox is also a time of rebirth and transition.

For some like myself, who were still cozy, hunkering down and wintering on New Year’s Day, It’s a perfect time to set intentions and plan rhythms for the rest of the year. Now is the time for buried seeds to grow, for our rest to support new action and build momentum.

While my youngest was working on a recent social studies lesson, she was supposed to write down celebrations, traditions, and practices that are culturally important to her family. Being a true Midwest mash-up of European descent, with no real practiced or specific traditions connected to an ethnic heritage, I was quite interested to see her thoughts. Somewhere between “Art Museum trips” and “dad’s music,” she listed “solstice and equinox celebrations”. (She also listed sweaters as culturally important clothing, which made me giggle.)

In more recent years, I’ve tried to shift focus to seasonal celebrations and nature’s cues, and it was very sweet to see that she’s picked up on that. We aren’t machines, and not everything needs to be commercial or consumer-focused, and this has been a good change for us. This year the approaching spring season has brought a sense of change and unknown that has me a bit unsettled: my baby is turning 10.

My Easter baby, who was two weeks “late”, refusing her St. Patty’s due date. A bit of a surprise baby, she has helped me discover so much about the world and myself. She woke me up in a new way, as each of my children has. I remember watching the sun rise at 4:37 am that Sunday while I labored in the birthing pool, listening to “Your Love is Strong” by Jon Foreman- while the world turned still and golden as she came into it. In that moment, I had such a dichotomous feeling of both joyful peace and anxious grief about bringing another baby into this world and the future- and I don’t know if that’s changed in the last ten years.

So you see, by the end of March, I will have four teens and a ten-year-old. For the mom who had five kids in ten years, and adored the baby stage, this is wild to think about— and frankly, a bit scary. If I’m honest, I don’t truly feel up to the task. These past few years of big kids have left me more exhausted than all of the sleepless early years combined. That’s more to do with me and my capacity (and probably perimenopause/chronic health) than my older kids, to be sure. There’s a different kind of mental, emotional, and social energy required with the tween and teen crowd. There are lessons in release, listening, laughter, and heartbreak you didn’t see coming. It’s sometimes feeling like a total failure, but getting up the next morning and trying again, together.

While I would give almost anything to go back and squeeze each of my children one more time in their baby and toddler stage, or watch them giggle after their first lost tooth— I’m reminding myself that the equinox is a time for renewal and hope. It’s a season where light balances dark, as we do need both. This spring will be a reminder that our family will continue to grow together, learning how to make it through the new stages as we go. While I definitely feel more equipped to be a “baby stage” mom, I’m my kids’ mom, and I’ll continue to read books, fall on my face, ask for mentor moms’ advice, and send as much love their way as I can— while directing some to myself as well. My love is strong.

I’ll keep working to model curiosity, connection, kindness, and hope. I’ll remember that hope does spring eternal in the beautiful chaos of a mother’s heart. (Thank you, Alexander Pope and Jessie Buckley.)

The spring equinox comes every year, a reminder that renewal and growth is always available and waiting. I hope that today you and I may both see a bit of life and joy in a space that may have seemed daunting or difficult. I hope we see the possibility in our strong love as the light grows.

Three media recommendations for tending to the spring garden of your heart today:

• watch Hamnet, and perhaps read it, too.
• read or listen to The Kids Are All Right by Gabrielle & Ben Blair
• listen to a song your teenager recommends and then play one from when you were the same age. 

📸 professional photos courtesy of Jessica Priest Photography