I’m So Tired

Sometimes I go to bed thinking I did not do enough today. I didn’t finish the laundry. I didn’t wash the dishes that were put in to the sink after I already washed the dishes. I didn’t get to Walmart, and Schnucks, and Walgreens, and the library. I didn’t order my daughter’s school uniforms. I didn’t fill out all of the forms I was supposed to fill out, or even remember what I was filling them out for. And don’t tell anyone, but I didn’t sweep the kitchen floor one last time.

I set my alarm and tell myself I will do it in the morning. And I try! I get up at 4am and I stumble in to the kitchen hoping against all hope that some magic fairy had visited my home in the middle of the night and cleaned and dusted and swept. I purposely do not put my glasses on so that I can not see all the things that were not done. I put the load from the washer in the dryer and throw a new load in the washer. I rinse the cups that are in the sink and pretend that I just did not notice the overflowing garbage can. I make lunches and bring up clean clothes for everyone to wear. I shower, I get dressed, I pray, I start to sweep but the phone rings. It’s my best friend. This is our time. Of course I want to talk to her. I grab the baby, give him medicine and get him dressed. Somehow, suddenly, I am running late! I plop him in the stroller and quietly slip out of the door. 

I work 10-11 hours. During my break I run to Schnucks but forget my list. I’m sure I forgot something. At the end of the day I grab the baby and once again plop him in the stroller. On the drive home I return phone calls. My daughter runs out as I park. She jumps in and tells me she needs to go Walgreens and the library and then get dropped off at a friends house. Of course, we forgot the library books that need to be returned. I get home and make dinner. I feed the baby. I give him his bath and read him a book. We sing a few songs and he is off to bed. I wish I could go to bed too! 

Downstairs Emuna has arrived home and does not want the dinner that I made. She makes herself noodles. I head downstairs to the laundry but she wants help with a project. I’m so tired I literally can’t think at all. I hear her talking, but nothing makes sense. I agree to things I will not recall later. I wash the dishes in the sink and grab the broom. I shove the garbage down and decide it can get taken out tomorrow. I ignore the fact that the sink is full again. I have no energy to retrieve the laundry and fold it. It can wait until tomorrow. I step over the crumbs that I missed on the kitchen floor. I cross off a few things on my list and then add more. 

I glance at the clock and see it is so much later than I want it to be. Emuna decides this is the perfect time to tell me all about her day. She is full of energy and wants to talk. I sit down and listen. Somewhere in the back of my head is a little voice telling me to be grateful for this moment. I struggle to keep my eyes open. This is important she keeps telling me. She’s 14, to her, everything is important. 

Finally I haul myself up to bed. I look around at all of the unfinished things and tell myself that I did not do enough today. Then I stop. I rethink that thought and I realize that I did do the things that count. I talked to my friend, she realized that she is important to me and I will always make time for her. I read to my baby and sat down and played with him. He went to bed, after he was hugged and kissed, with a smile on his face. Secure in the knowledge that he is loved and safe and taken care of. I talked with my teenage daughter. I listened to what she had to say. She went to her room happy and content. She had been heard and validated. That is an accomplishment worth celebrating!

I may not have finished everything. But I stopped feeling like I did not do enough. I did the important things. Because, at the end of the day, it is not the things that are important at all. It is the people in our lives. It is the way we make them feel.