As foster parents, we’re often thrown into parenting situations we have NO IDEA how to navigate, but somehow manage to crawl our way out of. Having a 15-year-old move in was no different. In the middle of her high school years, with her own cell phone, and a past that made her much more adult than the average Centennial, Mariposa[1] surprised us with her maturity and openness and scared us with her sexuality and recklessness.
I liked to think of myself as progressive and sex positive – until Mariposa moved in and I just wanted to SHUT.IT.DOWN. The idea of some gangly 15-year-old boy sprouting facial hair crushing on our sweet girl makes me nauseous. But the idea of an adult man sending her messages on social media or making comments to her on the street (or in church) makes the momma bear inside me want to shred him to pieces. And then there is the not-so-innocent Mariposa, in search of attention, affirmation, and liberation.
I cannot pretend I was a puritan in high school. Not by a long shot. And the memories of me walking to school the morning after Halloween my junior year in high school from some college guy’s apartment still wearing my costume, which was, a classic “sexy stripper,” just terrifies me even more. I came from a stable, two-parent, upper-middle class background. I had self-esteem, birth control, and a healthy fear of STDs. I have always said, it was a good thing I was smart and graduated high school in three years or else I would have ended up pregnant or in jail. But I made it. Two Masters degrees and zero pregnancies later. Totally unsure of how to parent the teenage me.
The internal dilemmas I had over fear-based sex education, slut shaming, religious propaganda, sex positive openness, and affirmation was contradictory and frustrating as hell. I wanted to show her all the grotesque photos of all the STDs, the video of the bloody baby shooting out of the vagina, and demand she doesn’t have sex until she’s married, but clearly that urge was stemming from my desire to control everything that happens to our sweet girl. What I needed to educate her, trust her and always be there for her.
That last part “educate, trust, support” came only after an emergency S.O.S. call to the only mom of teenagers I knew. She was able to talk me down from the strict, authoritarian ledge I was on, reminded me that kids will make mistakes, and when they do we want them to call us – not hide from us.
Throughout this journey I have had to step down from my liberal, sex positive high horse to manage my own control issues and recognize that each of our kiddos is coming from a different place with a different background and has different needs. But at the end of the day, the biggest need they have is for love and acceptance, through the good, the bad and the ugly. And that we can do.
[1] Names are changed to keep our kiddos’ anonymity.
My oldest two are teens (boys) and have not yet faced these issues but I have no clue how I will handle sex when it becomes a reality. I seriously like control… like, a lot… but I know there is no controlling situations like that. Educate, support, and communicate… I know the right way to handle it but don’t really trust that I will be calm enough to follow through the way I should. Thank you for an eye opening post that has me really thinking. ..
Thanks for your comment, @Carol! It is so hard when you just want to make all their decisions for them. My friend who I SOSed reassured me that setting her up to make good decisions and know where and when to ask for help is all we can do. They will mess up, but the hope is they will come to us when they do. And then we can guide them through the corrective action process. (which we’ve done a few times now) Another friend who read this suggested the book “Age of Opportunity” by Laurence Steinberg. May the force be with you!
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