You are not behind.
You have been doing better than you realize.
It is okay to take time to relax.
These are the three reminders I needed this week as I navigated through all kinds of different work and parenting responsibilities. Life tends to always get so busy! I feel like I am constantly saying, “Things will slow down, “This is just a busy season right now,” “We just have to make it through this week … this month … etc.” But then sadly, I find that another week or month has gone by and things are JUST AS BUSY.
Yet in the midst of the chaos there is always one person without fail who tries to bring up “self-care” and why I need to take time for myself and focus on me. Does anyone else feel their blood start to boil a little bit when the topic of self-care comes up? Or is it just me? I feel that as soon as someone starts talking about self-care I immediately list off a million reasons why I never have time for myself in the first place, let alone time to CARE for myself! And if one more person graces me with the quotes, “Remember you can’t pour from an empty cup!” or “Remember you have to put your oxygen mask on first and then take care of others!” I might lose my mind! Those well-intentioned advice givers must not have kids, because if they did, they would understand that it is even harder to pour from a cup when it is empty and completely overstretched!!
As a mom I feel like some days I am trying to balance six different plates while walking across a tightrope as someone throws water balloons at me! There is always one more thing I need to do, one more thing I have to schedule, or one more mess to clean up! “Parent Burnout” is real, and according to the American Psychological Association, it is very common. According to the APA, up to 5 million U.S Parents experience parental burnout each year. Lucy McBride, MD, a practicing internist in Washington, D.C., defines parental burnout as the “mental and physical fallout from accumulated stress in any sphere of life.” Does that familiar to anyone? Does anyone else’s have some accumulated stress that they can attribute to the never-ending cycle of laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and extracurriculars? I know I do!
The APA states there are three primary symptoms of parental burnout. The first stage is characterized by overwhelming exhaustion. Depending on how old the children are, parents might experience different types of exhaustion. Parents of young children tend to be more physically exhausted, while parents of older children tend to be more emotionally exhausted. The second stage is characterized by a drive to disengage. Parents may begin to distance themselves from their kids to preserve their energy and emotionally protect themselves. Finally, the third stage is characterized by a lost of fulfillment in parenting. Parents in this stage no longer find joy in parenting. They tend to go through the motions of keeping the family together while feeling empty on the inside.
I definitely resonated with the first stage. I often feel physically exhausted after a long day of parenting and can easily see how it could lead to the other two stages as my kids get older. So, what am I planning to do about it? First and foremost, I am starting this journey of dare I say “self-care” by reminding myself of a few things. I can love my twin boys more than words can possibly express and still … want a break, struggle with parenthood, get irritated with them, and be ready for them to go to bed!
Here are some other strategies I am going to try to implement as well, to manage my own parental burnout and practice self-care.
- UNWIND: Acknowledge the Suffering: I am going to try to identify feelings of frustration, stress, exhaustion, and hopelessness and allow myself to sit in those feelings and process through them. Naming the feeling can help us find compassion for ourselves.
- CONNECT: Talk About It: I am going to find people I can talk to about my experiences and learn to ask for help when possible.
- ADJUST: Make Small Changes: I am going to continuously remind myself that there are many stressors that tip the scale and that I won’t be able to change all of them at once. However, I will try to find small ways to lower stress levels and rebalance any changeable stressors that contribute to my feelings of exhaustion over time.
- REVIVE: Take Microbreaks: I am going to try to take small, tiny breaks from the labor of parenting. Focus on finding little moments (5 minutes here or there) for relaxation that is manageable for me.
- REFRAME: Stop Staying “Should” and Let Go of Perfectionist Goals Much of parental stress comes from our inner voice whispering “should” in our minds… I know I often hold myself up to unrealistic standards to be perfectly nurturing, present, encouraging, and positive ALL THE TIME. I am going to work on reframing how I speak to myself in an effort to have more compassion for myself.
- SOUL SEARCHING: Find Meaning Through Gratitude I am going to make a conscious effort to not lose track of what I love the most about being a mom . I often focus on the tough moments. I will try to refocus my mind and spend some time thinking about the highlights in each day.
If I can make the conscious effort to slow down long enough to …. Notice the moments when my children are kind, funny, sweet, or helpful. Notice what I love about most about them. Notice the moments when I am connecting with them. Notice when I take the time to show them that they are loved, safe, and understood. Notice when I am having fun with them. Notice the moments when others are there to support me. Or notice when I make a choice to take care of myself. If I can find one moment a day that fills my heart with gratitude, I know I will be one step closer to fighting parental burnout and practicing the big buzzword these days: self-care!!
