I’ve always been a worker bee. If I don’t have anything to clean or organize, I’ll do yard work, or help out a family member or friend. Cleaning has always been very soothing for me. It’s how I work through thoughts, sadness, or anger. As I get older, it’s harder to do the physical things I have always done. I can’t go go go like I could in my 20’s or early 30’s. Sometimes a few rooms will be vacuumed or just the toilet will get cleaned. That has been a challenge, but I’m trying to take it in stride. Such is life.
I think that’s why it’s hard for me to find a balance in life right now. I am feeling very scattered, unfocused and short on patience. In the past, I have dealt with these feelings by meditating, doing yoga, or going for a walk. Even though I know this is how I can feel better, I just don’t make the time for myself. Why is that so difficult? Finding time for myself. I know I can spare time for Netflix, why can’t I take 10 minutes to do yoga before the new season of Orange Is The New Black? I can, but I’m not. I beat myself up for losing patience with my son or not “doing enough”, which is only set by me. I know when I stop putting myself first I get grouchy or downright depressed, but how can I do that as a mother and a wife? Someone always needs something and something always needs doing. I know if I leave the dishes or laundry, it will be waiting for me when I decide to get around to it. My husband is wonderful and will do any chores I ask him to do. I feel guilty when I ask him because he works so hard and provides so well for our family. It’s old school, but I feel like he has his job and I have mine, which is the house and our child.
I know I will look back and forget about the stress I’m enduring right now. That I will long for these days of being a housewife with a happy, healthy child and an awesome husband. Emotions are a different matter, but they come and go just like everything else.
A very close friend of mine is always telling me to slow down and take time for myself. That I deserve it, that I am worth it. She has been a beacon of hope for me the last few weeks. I very much appreciate her and try to take her words to heart. Remembering it is a different story.
Those of you are deep in the trenches of motherhood, work & life, what do you do when you get time to yourself? Even if it’s just 5 minutes…
