My previous job had me traveling about 40% of the time. Mostly back and forth to Africa. Occasionally to Europe. Rarely around the US. When word got out that I was quitting my job (so many) people applauded me, concluding that surely it was to spend more time at home with my family. Only for me to burst their bubble with, “No, I was offered a better job – with more travel.” And in the back of my head thinking: but thanks for making me feel like a bad mother/wife.
A Passion for Overseas Work
Since I was a sophomore in high school, I knew that I wanted to work internationally and every big life decision I made has somersaulted me down this path: internships, volunteering, college, grad school (x2). Between the ages of 17 and 30, I lived in 7 different countries, on four different continents, and spent more than half of those 13 years living outside the US.
Fortunately, during that time I also met an incredible man and fell in love – eight years ago this month. Ironically, we met in my hometown. And unfortunately for me, he was not as excited about international work. But to be fair, as an immigrant himself, he was already participating in international work (and had been for almost the entirety of his life). His parents, 33 years ago, took the very risky (and controversial) journey from their tiny pueblo in Mexico to the US for a better life for them and their 12 children. And here I was, desperate to live and work in places very similar to where his family worked so hard to leave.
Not only was hubby not excited about living outside the US, but it was actually not possible for him because of his immigration status. If he moved outside the US for more than six months, it would risk him never being allowed to live and work in the US again. A gamble we were not willing to take.
Relationships Equal Compromise
And this is where the international work transitioned to international travel. I moved back to the US from Indonesia and based myself here in St Louis, with my amazing husband and our foster children. And I participate in frequent travel outside the country. This arrangement is not perfect, but I was not willing to give up my career and he was not willing to give up his adopted country. And so we make it work. Before kids, I would spend four to six weeks every three months out of the country and since becoming foster parents have scaled that to 10 to 20 days gone and three to six weeks home.
Before I leave we have sitters scheduled to help transport the kids to extracurricular activities and help with homework. I make numerous meals that I freeze. (Snapshot of a day before travel) And our amazing village of friends help out when they can. But nothing prepares us for that midnight Emergency Room visit, that week-long hospitalization of a kiddo, the emotional melt downs (of kids and parents), and the daily grind that wears single parents down. This work is hard. The mom-guilt is real. And we’re often questioning if this is the right thing for our family.
Making It Work
Friends are almost always encouraging – saying that it’s good for the kids to see a woman doing important work, that I’m making a difference in the world, that our support system (them) is always there for us. But to be honest, my kids don’t really understand the work that I do; I’m definitely not one to spew any ‘white savior’ rhetoric about my work; and constantly asking our friends for favors just increases the guilt of the burden.
But what does keep me going – and the reason why I accepted this new job even though I will likely be traveling more than 60% of the time – is knowing that it’s more than just a job, its a career that I have been building my whole life and I love it. And even more than that, the very special partner in my life supports me and encourages me to do it because he knows that it’s more than just a job.
