Failing at Breastfeeding – Twice

Before my daughter was born, I had assumed that I would breastfeed her. It was a free way to feed my child and it was the method that everyone told me I HAD to use. I was told that if I didn’t breastfeed, I my child would have diabetes, would be obese, and would not bond to me. Those are things that I did not want for my child. So after 16 hours of a tough labor, I had my daughter. Because of flat nipples (I had no idea those were a thing, they looked normal to me), a language barrier between the lactation consultant and I, a sleepy jaundiced baby and being told I HAD to supplement by the doctor, I ended up pumping and supplementing in the hospital.

In the coming weeks, I would try these things to try to succeed in breastfeeding:

• Skin on skin time
• Nipple Shield
• Mother’s Milk Tea
• Fenugreek Supplements
• Power Pumping to up my supply
• Pumping before nursing
• Lactation Meetings

None of these things worked to up my supply or get my daughter to correctly latch. After two and a half months of pumping and supplementing, I went to full formula. When I did this, I wouldn’t let anyone else feed my daughter a bottle because I was convinced that she wouldn’t know I was her mom. My husband finally told me that he was taking one night feeding because he could tell that I desperately needed sleep.

When I was pregnant with my son, I told myself that I would try nursing again. After all, I had a hard labor, a language barrier with my lactation consultant in Texas, my daughter was jaundiced and taken from me for the first several hours of life and then kept from me for 24 hours with only a 30 minute visit every 3 hours. I figured with a new hospital, new doctors and lactation consultants and a different baby, things had a real chance of being better. Well, that wasn’t quite the case. My son was a relatively easy labor, and I told the lactation consultants and nurses right away about my flat nipples. Regardless of all of this, we still had trouble latching. After he dropped too much weight, we were told to supplement. We even tried supplementing by cup feeding him formula, nursing and pumping. Ever tried to cup feed an infant? It’s not easy and you waste a lot of formula which is basically liquid gold. After needing to have my gallbladder removed three weeks postpartum, I stopped pumping and went full formula. The lactation consultant even reassured me that it was time. I needed to heal from surgery and I simply wasn’t producing enough for it to make pumping worth it.

In the coming months I would feel even worse about my decision as there is national breastfeeding week where moms post pictures of themselves breastfeeding their children. Did I have those pictures? Nope. I would feel ashamed because I was not able to do what was best for yet another child. Thankfully, the women who had grown kids around me assured me that it was fine and my children were happy and healthy. Did the women around my age do that? Very few. I felt left out of an elite club of moms that could do something our bodies are naturally supposed to do. I was failing my children and having to spend tons of money on formula. Oh, and don’t forget the raging postpartum hormones. If that won’t get you down, I don’t know what will.

My son is almost two. In the time since I stopped breastfeeding him, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I have two healthy, happy children. I lost a lot of sleep and cried a lot of tears over breastfeeding. Now, I am pregnant again and I have made the decision to go straight to exclusively formula feeding. I shared my story and decision with a group of ladies on Facebook and they were very supportive. I still had one that told me I should try and at least pump for the antibodies. That once again made me feel horrible. What is going to be best for myself and my new baby is to have a rested and happy mommy and a fed baby. So please if you see a formula feeding mom out there, please smile at her and don’t judge, you never know her story.