Meditations for the Undetermined Time: While I Wait for Baby

I’m sitting in this intersection of life, looking for what’s next. I’ve accepted the unknown and the realization that this might be it. I may not have any more children. I must find contentment in having one … just as I managed to find contentment with the thought of having none not so long ago.

Here I am again waiting.

I will still feel longing and pray on the hard days when I’m tempted to fall into premature grief. I will hug my daughter and give her as much love as her little self can carry. I will impart the rest and spread it like seeds amongst my nieces, nephews and the honorary little ones I have been blessed to know.

I will smile and repeat as often as it takes, “God willing,” to pacify those who ask about the future plans of my womb.

I will laugh, smile, live life and find fullness even though at times I will feel that my arms could carry more … even just one more.

I’ll celebrate with joy when my friends and relatives conceive. Where I am able, I’ll be a helping hand, a mouth of wisdom and bringer of peace. I will not make their rejoicing the source of my sadness.

I will be thankful and not pine over the one thing that I don’t have. I will honor motherhood as it has honored me with responsibility, purpose and hope.

When I awaken from dreams of little feet running or smiling chubby cheeks, I won’t wallow.  

I will open my vision to a future that looks a bit different than what I had planned. I will be patient with life and I won’t doubt. I will trust in what I cannot see and surrender to what I cannot understand.

I will celebrate birthdays and holidays and cherish the moments I have with those I love. I will be sure to share my appreciation of those who love me truly.

I will busy my hands with making my home a happy place where people come to fellowship and spend time. I will cook family meals and welcome all who come. I will be the woman my daughter can tell stories about in her old age.

And through this act of patience and reflection, I will become wiser and readied for the mysterious path ahead. I will laugh at the future!

I will focus my energy on being well in mind, body and spirit. I will spend time on being my best self for the ones I share life with.

I will travel.

I will dream.

I will write.

I will plant myself where I am needed.

I will continue to grow.

And when the time comes … for whoever comes … if they come – I will open my heart to them. If not, I will continue on this road with thanksgiving, placing one foot in front of the other, while I wait.