I’m not going to lie … 7th grade seemed a little too young to me, too. I mean, I think I was still playing with my American Girl doll at that age, and definitely didn’t have my first kiss till high school. But my attitude toward tween/teen parenting is to say “yes” when I can – so she knows that when I say “no”- it’s really important that she respect that decision. So, here’s what I learned from “letting” my 7th grader “date” this past school year …
Tweens and Teens are going to do it anyway: I realize that the rationale of “they’re going to do it anyway” is usually a horrible reason to allow your kids to do anything. Except that in this instance, more often than not, the parents who refuse to allow their kids to date? Those kids tend to sneak around and do it anyway. I also know that I can’t control every aspect nor every second of my child’s life, and that I have even less control when she’s at school … so I decided that this was not a battle worth fighting.
Define “dating”: It’s important to ask your tween/teen what their definition of “dating” actually is. Is it just talking in between classes at school and walking to the bus together? Or do they also want to hang out with this person outside of school, too? Asking also gave me an opportunity to share what I thought was appropriate for “dating” in middle school.
An Opportunity to Talk About Healthy Relationships: My knowledge of her dating meant that we could talk about important topics like consent, mutual respect, and healthy ways to resolve conflicts in “romantic relationships” in an age-appropriate way. When we had these conversations, I tried to never get “up on a soap box,” and made sure to ask her a lot of open-ended questions. I wanted to make sure that she knew that I considered her thoughts and feelings to be important and valid.
Establish Ground Rules: I made it clear that closed doors are never appropriate when a boyfriend is over. If it’s just her and her boyfriend, I wanted them to hang out in a more “communal” area of the main floor of the house. We also talked about what was appropriate in terms of physical contact. I told her that I was okay with hand-holding, hugging, and {brief} kissing – because I knew these were things she could probably get away with doing at some point during the school day. In other words, I told her that I was ok with what I knew she’d probably end up doing anyway … but then we also were able to talk about what I wasn’t ok with yet.
Have Those Awkward Conversations: No one ever talked to me about dating or “the birds and the bees”, so I wanted to make sure to break that cycle with my own child. I wanted her to feel comfortable enough to talk about these more personal topics with me, which meant I needed to be ready to talk about them with her. One topic that I felt was very important to discuss with her was sexting, and I found lots of helpful resources online to prepare me for that conversation. Outside of it being completely inappropriate for someone her age, we discussed the dangers and consequences of sending compromising pictures to anyone – not just boyfriends.
Middle School Dating and Phones: “Tweens and teens are very possessive of their phones” is probably the understatement of the century. I want my daughter to know that I respect her privacy, but at the same time, I also need to make sure that she is making good choices with what she’s doing on her phone. She knows that I can look through her phone whenever I want, and I do occasionally review her text conversations and her photos. I also have time limits set in place so she won’t stay up all night talking to a boyfriend – or friends. Also, she’s not allowed to have Snapchat in middle school … she’s not a bad kid, but the temptation is just too great to make a poor choice without me knowing/realizing.
Too Bad if Three’s a Crowd: If she wanted to hang out with her boyfriend outside of school, an adult always needed to be present (and this was something that luckily his parents and I agreed on from the very beginning). It was really helpful to have the boyfriend’s mom’s phone number – that way either of us could verify that another adult would be home while they were hanging out. And obviously they can’t drive yet, so one of the parents was always chauffeuring them anyway. When they wanted to go to the high school’s Homecoming football game, guess who got to go too? She would end up getting invited to go see a movie with his entire family, while we would invite him to stay for dinner. Since their dating wasn’t being done in secret, I was actually able to get to know the boyfriend and spend time with him- and realize that he was a pretty great kid.
