How do you instill confidence in your kids?
“I’m not good at anything!”
A lot of words can stop a mom in her tracks, but hearing your 4-year-old daughter adamantly declare this as fact is jarring.
In the moment, I respond with as much empathy as I can muster. Reassure her she’s learning, we’re all still learning, and that it’s ok to not be good at everything, but we keep trying. Is the response enough to appease her doubts? I don’t know. But we keep trying.
I wish I could say her declarations of defeat were rare, but it’s becoming more frequent. Like when she’s trying to write an “M” to spell “mom” and it comes out as a “W” instead, she dramatically puts her hand on her forehead and says, “come on!” to express frustration. Or when she was playing soccer in the fall for the first time when she had just turned 4, she was timid, lacked confidence, and wouldn’t want to play because she wasn’t “good enough.” You are 4, my little friend. Four.
I wish I could wonder where she gets this trait from. As a child, I was the same in so many ways. Timid. Insecure. Full of self-doubt. Ok, as an adult, I still exhibit these traits from time to time. But it’s taken me an insane amount of time and coping strategies to handle it, suck it up, and move on like a mostly full-ish functional adult. And let’s be real – a little pharmaceutical intervention to help balance me out hasn’t hurt, because turns out that a lot of those timid, insecure feelings are actually ways my anxiety manifests.
So, while my 4-year-old continues to be 4, we try things to help her navigate these feelings:
Keep challenging her. It’s simple stuff like puzzles and games that she won’t always finish or win, but those are the times she needs to be challenged and know you’re not going to get it right every time.
Communicate when I’m feeling challenged, nervous, or scared. It’s so funny how this works because when I tell her, “I’m kind of nervous about X…” her response is almost always, “it’s ok, Mommy, I can help.” and then she lists off ways she can help.
Acknowledge when I’ve made a mistake of my own. Just a quick reminder that I’m making mistakes, usually daily. And we typically laugh because “mommy is ridiculous.” Yep.
Deep breaths and yoga. Luckily, my daughter loves yoga and is sometimes aware that taking a deep breath will help her manage tough feelings.
Reassure, reassure, reassure. Words of affirmation only go so far, and don’t feel like they work, especially when it feels like they’re being used constantly, but hopefully, repetition results in comfort.
Is it enough? Will her path to find confidence be smoother than mine? I think as parents, that’s all we hope for our kids – that their path to confidence is smoother than ours.
