If you are the parent of a teen, think back to when they were just 3 years old. That cute little kissable face, curls for days, and a tiny voice yelling, “Go away!”, “I can do it!”, or “NOOO!”
Wait just a minute … doesn’t that sound eerily similar to the words often coming out of the ‘adult-looking child’ currently living with you?! Teens and toddlers are quite the dynamic duo in terms of development. They have everything in common from frequent mood changes, crying spells, seeking independence, the ability to sleep anywhere at any time, along with requiring reassurance, guidance, boundaries, freedom, SLEEP, and above all else … a ‘home base’ that is safe and filled with unconditional love.
I bring attention to this through the lens of a Mental Health Therapist who works with this demographic to encourage parents to have more empathy and patience for these beautifully egocentric, hormonal beings. Empathy and patience allow space for early warning detection should your child face challenges, enter a crisis, or need advocacy for everyday life. It also helps for parents to explore and stay curious about the developmental changes occurring during the adolescent years, just as we did when they were babies.
The developing brain (specifically the pre-frontal cortex) during the ages of 10 to 24 is literally pruning itself, meaning tossing out unused connections and creating new in order to start making sense of the world around them. It is busy organizing information, philosophizing, making decisions, and is mostly affected by peer relationships. Socially during these years, parents often feel like they have taken not just a back seat, but the nosebleed section to their adolescent’s life, and this view differs quite a bit from when you were once front and center.
Here are some tips to help navigate parenting during this challenging time:
- Make time for them – they need you even though it doesn’t feel like it. Watch a movie, make dinner, or go for a walk. I can’t tell you how many of my teen clients have expressed wanting more time with parents. Even if they repeatedly say no, they want to be wanted … by you.
- Listen and be as present as you can to all of their stories, no matter how big or small – parents who listen to the small things are more likely to be a safe place to run to should a true crisis occur.
- Take them seriously if they threaten their life or safety – find a counselor and stay by their side for next 24 hours until you have received outside help. This ensures safety in case there is an actual plan to carry out harmful thoughts and time for further conversation. They will know they are not only heard, but reminded they are loved.
- Set boundaries – they need rules to keep them safe, ensure 10 hours of sleep each night, proper nutrition, and time management.
- Freedom to make their own mistakes.
- Know who their friends are and who they are dating.
- Be aware of changes in eating or sleep patterns, or sudden onset of isolation.
- Notice the good – they are still your baby, let them know you see them for the kind, giving, loving, human they are.
Written by Heather Frost, a Clinical Mental Health Counselor, working primarily with teens and their families facing high anxiety, procrastination, and moments of crisis. Heather uses a solutions-oriented approach, providing her clients with tools to navigate issues such as overcoming suicide ideation, peer/family relationships, depression, and perfectionism.
Heather received a Bachelors in both psychology & sociology as well as a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, graduating with Honors. Her Master’s education from Webster University is CACREP accredited which is considered the “gold stamp” of standards in the profession. She is currently provisionally licensed, supervised by Julia Dooley, LPC.
Heather is also a Mama of 2 kiddos! She has a son, age 11, and a daughter, age 8. She is married and has 2 very spoiled dogs named Hero and Rosie.
