There’s a special kind of strength found in the hearts of single or widowed mothers (or both) who carry the weight of their family on their shoulders. Their days are often a continuous loop of endless duties and constant worries, where self-care is a forgotten luxury and exhaustion is a close companion. For those witnessing such strength from the sidelines, it can be both humbling and heart-wrenching, leaving them with an innate desire to offer help, even when these remarkable women insist they don’t need it.
In these instances, supporting them isn’t just about lending an extra set of hands— it’s about finding the balance between respecting their independence and providing meaningful, unobtrusive assistance. I remember back when my five kids were still under our roof, and my husband travelled every week for business. So often I felt like a single mom and struggled to ask for help or accept the help when it was offered to me.
Friend, this information is for all of us.
I asked some of my favorite people who just happen to be single divorced, foster, step, legal guardian, adoptive and biological moms, and widows to give us ways to support them and any overextended and overwhelmed mom who might have a hard time expressing her needs. Here’s what they all had to say, and I so hope it helps!
Here are a few tips directly from single and widowed moms on how to best support or help them:
1. Simply ask us: “What makes you feel supported and loved by your friends?” I know that question sounds so simple, but I know I forget to ask this and it will tell me so much about how I can be of the best support in any situation. Making decisions on what to do or just showing up is often the best way to lend support (instead of asking us what we need.)
2. Never say, “Let me know if you need anything.” We will NEVER let you know. We probably don’t know what we need … and if we do, we may not have the energy or courage to ask for it. Instead, give us three choices of tangible ways you would like to support us and a timeframe in which you can offer those things. For example, you might say, “Pick one: I can bring dinner on Thursday, I can distract you with silly YouTube videos and comedy sketches, or I can sit down with you on Saturday and help you go through the mail that’s been stressing you out. Just let me know which one you would like and I’m on it.”
3. Observe or ask us where the gaps are in our daily life. When you only have two hands instead of four, having your friends support you with your day-to-day family needs can go a long way. Where are needs going unmet? Where are balls getting dropped? Where do we need help? What responsibilities stress us out the most? Offer specific, practical help in those areas. Offer a concrete time you can do them, and be sure to follow through!
Other needs to keep in mind:
House cleaning
Lawn maintenance
Car maintenance
Self-care – babysit while mom gets a haircut or a massage
4. Incorporate helping us into things you’re already doing – “I’m swinging by Target, what can I pick up for you?” If your kids go to the same school you could offer, “Hey, it would be super easy for me to pick your kiddo up on Tuesdays and Thursdays on the way to school. Would that be okay?” Also keep in mind, helping comes more naturally and organically when you offer your natural gifts and talents.
5. Remember them on special days where they might need more support – Keep in mind the unique dates that are important to us but easily forgotten by people who haven’t walked in our shoes (Both the good and the difficult: the death of their spouse, the day they go to court to finalize divorce or adoption, etc.) Also days like their birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day (anything a spouse would help with) reach out and celebrate them. Even better if you can help their kids celebrate them, too.
Foster specific: Be mindful of hard days and offer extra support via texts, calls, coffee. Bio parent visits, team meetings and court dates are always very high-stress days.
6. Be compassionate, but don’t say you understand unless you have actually experienced what they contend with on a daily basis. That actually makes us feel invisible.
A few more things to keep in mind …
Listening Is a Lifeline
More often than not, the most significant way to support someone is by simply listening. For single or widowed moms who may find themselves juggling an entire universe of responsibilities, the act of speaking their concerns aloud can be a cathartic experience. A good listener doesn’t offer advice at every turn; instead, they provide a safe space for their friend to vent, share their optimism or their fears, and sort through their thoughts.
It’s essential to be an active listener. This means maintaining eye contact, offering small verbal acknowledgments, and never judging their experiences or emotions. Your role should be that of a sounding board, offering reassurance and empathy.
Inclusive Invitations
One of the biggest shifts that single or widowed moms may experience is social isolation. Parenthood already comes with its fair share of challenges, and now, loneliness and a lack of belonging can creep into their lives. Social invitations that include her and her children and are open without expectation allow her to feel supported within a community.
It’s important to craft these invitations wisely. Offering to include her in parenting social events, playdates, or even a friendly gathering where her presence is genuinely desired can be affirming. It shows that you are part of her community and she is an integral part of yours, regardless of her familial status. But she also needs a great mm’s night out, too! Don’t forget to also invite her along without the kids in tow every now and then.
Understand that the fabric of true support for your fellow mom friends is woven from threads of genuine connection and responsive consideration. By following these tips, not only are you creating a more meaningful, mutually supportive relationship, but also a beacon of hope within their sometimes-fragile worlds. If you have any further tips, please leave them below … we’re all ears!
