Stepparenting does not come easily … but the work is worth it.
Did you know, according to the U.S. Bureau of Census …
• Sixteen percent of children live in blended families
• 1300 new stepfamilies are formed each day.
• 40% of families in the U.S. are blended with at least one partner having a child from a previous relationship before marriage.
• The number of kids living in blended families has been stable for nearly thirty years
• National Stepfamily Day is celebrated annually on September 16 and was founded by stepparent Christy Tusing-Borgeld in 1997
“Being a step parent means your actions speak louder than DNA” – Unknown
I always wonder if the stepmother in Cinderella was really all that evil? Or did the stress of marrying into a family unit with all the pressures and expectations of motherhood turn her evil?
Stepparenting is like parenting without any rights, authority, clear direction, or expectations. You can love that kid(s) with your heart and soul, but at the end of the day, you are still their stepparent.
I jumped into the stepparenting journey about 11 years ago. I was in my late 20’s, recently divorced myself with no kids. It was like jumping into an Olympic event without any training. Imagine jumping into the water next to Michael Phelps and being expected to compete. I had no clue what I was doing. Honestly, I still don’t, but here are just a few things I learned from my mistakes in my journey so far.
You will get your feelings hurt.
I do not have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I got my feelings hurt. It was not being included in parent/school activities to the dreaded Mother’s Day. Expect to be left out. It will hurt, but being the bigger person will help your relationship with your stepchild down the road.
Don’t have too high expectations.
You will never take the place of a biological parent, nor should you. Instead, try the role of a beloved mentor. Let your relationship grow organically. Don’t push it too hard at the start. I made this mistake. I went in with full force, but looking back wish I would have taken a step back at the beginning.
Let the child have one-on-one with their parent.
This is hard. You want to be involved and included, but you have to allow the child to have one-on-one time with your spouse. You also need to have one-on-one time with them as well to get to know each other better.
Start new family traditions.
Start a new tradition that makes everyone involved. The Holidays and Birthdays are a good time to do this.
Be flexible with the kids’ schedules.
I come from a divorced family as well. The absolute hardest thing is trying to split time with families for Holidays and Birthdays. Make it easy on the kid(s). Work around their schedule and do not pressure them to choose which parent to spend time with.
Do not take sides between your stepchild and significant other.
If you want to preserve your relationship with your stepchildren and spouse, let them work out their conflict on their own.
Have open communication with your stepchild.
Be open about your expectations and what they expect and want from you. Looking back, I wish I did a better job with this. I just put my head down and tried my best each day. Not a bad technique, but I was reacting instead of acting. Having clear expectations on both ends would have made things a lot easier.
Never ever bash their mom, especially in front of them.
This should not need explaining! ☺
Treat them like they are your own.
Even though they are not, you should still have that mindset, especially if another child comes into the picture. If your mindset is that they are your own, you will make better decisions when it comes to their wellbeing.
Make time for you and your spouse.
Lastly, this new family life is stressful. You need to remember why you are a couple and make the time (no matter how long) to spend together. The stronger your relationship is, the stronger the family unit will be.
Overall, just care deeply about them. If you love them as you would your own, you will be your best self to them, just like any parent/child relationship. There will be hard days, great days, and everything in between. Enjoy the ride. It will be a thriller.
Signing off –
Evil Stepmom???
Maybe we should ask my Bonus Daughter this question. ☺
