Sometimes a simple handshake can convey more than words can.
Have you seen that video of teachers welcoming their students into the classroom, each with an individualized handshake? If not, definitely look it up! It is so sweet, and you can see the pride in each child’s face as they get their turn. Each student has a special way of interacting with the teacher that is unique to them and their relationship. She somehow remembers them all!
But it is always different when it is your kid, right?
My son and his best buddy have a catalog of handshakes they use together. Each has its own name that they reference before they start into their routine. They do them alone together and amidst a group of friends. It is their thing.
There is strength in their friendship and in their handshakes. They don’t care who is around or what they are doing. I’ve seen them do it as one was going up to bat on the baseball field! During a time overwhelmed with social media, screens, Zoom, and video games, these handshakes represent more than just high fives and twiddly fingers. They represent actual connection. Connection that, in some ways, has gone by the wayside over the years. I am proud to see the ways that boy
s connect, even when it is not directly over feelings or thoughts. It is still connection.
It can be hard for boys to feel close to someone while also maintaining what they believe to be masculinity. It is so touch and go with young guys who are young enough to still crave and need the nurturing from those around them (though we all need that no matter our age) but old enough to know that boys who cry or go in for a hug are not seen with the same eyes. It is not right, but playground rules are hard to overcome. While snuggles still rule at bedtime, handshakes rule on the field.
But it was not until last night that I realized the power that is in that handshake.
Yesterday, at a St. Louis Mom event, my son was playing with a pot from the middle of the playground (don’t ask why there was a pot as a toy on the playground – I don’t understand either), banging on it like a drum. Suddenly, he threw it on the ground to see the noise that it would make. My husband and I gasped, thinking he was old enough to know better. That startled my son, only then realizing that he did something he shouldn’t have.
My husband raised his hand.
He looked directly at my son. Tears started to well in my boy’s eyes.
My husband put out his hand in a fist in my son’s direction, looking to initiate their own secret handshake.
Then my son knew it was ok. Sure, he made a mistake, but nothing we could not just move past. We were still connected, and that moment could pass. The handshake represented that connection, approval, and acceptance. The situation went from one my son may have dwelled on all night or held back feelings of guilt or shame to a total non-issue in seconds. All with a literal flick of the wrist. In a moment that I would have given him a snuggle, it was traded for a handshake.
Sometimes cheesy, yes. But handshakes are one of many ways to connect and can be especially useful for those kiddos who do not like the hugs and squeezes. It’s an “I see you” or “You got this” or “I’m with you.” They can be loud and obvious or small and subtle. My favorite is doing it in the air across the room or behind the back when no one is looking. It is like a piece of art that is interpretable by the viewer, giving them what they need in that moment.
