We were two polite, blonde girls from small towns in the Midwest. She, a beauty pageant queen who loved photography, and me, a music-loving homecoming queen during our high school years. We both found ourselves at a small college in Southern Illinois. While we never actually hung out during college, it was our years as newlyweds living in the city of St Louis with our husbands that finally brought us together.
I still remember that New Year’s Eve party when the four of us were sitting on the couch, sipping wine. “So … we have decided that we are going to start a family this year!” My husband immediately said “Congrats you guys!” so enthusiastically because he was genuinely excited for them. Me, on the other hand, excited for them but also a little surprised. “So, you wanna have a baby?” My twenty-four-year-old self clearly did not have baby fever.
She was my first friend in the same city to be pregnant and the first friend to invite me to a baby shower. I made her a handmade weaving for the nursery. She was going to have a baby boy, so I made a design with some blue. After she birthed that 10lb baby boy naturally, and I was so proud of her for it, I stopped by her house for a visit to see her and meet the little guy. It was the first time I got to hold such a new baby in my arms. That was the last time I saw her for a while.
Fast-forward seven years. We are both boy moms – her boys, ages seven and four, and mine, ages three and one. And for some reason, this feeling of guilt kicks in. Why didn’t I make a meal for her after she had her first baby? Why did I stop hanging out with her? Why did I lose touch? Was it because she became a mother when I didn’t feel ready for motherhood?
I told some friends about the guilt I felt and they reassured me I did nothing wrong because I didn’t know what to do at the time. And yet, for some reason I still felt bad about it and felt the need to apologize.
So what did I do? I reached out to her and set up a play date with all four of our boys. We were pushing our boys on the swings of Shaw Park when I told her all about the guilt I felt. “I’m sorry for not supporting you after you gave birth to your first child. I just keep thinking about it because now that I’m a mom, I know how I could have supported you, and I’m so sorry I didn’t. I just really miss our friendship and I really miss you.” I was not expecting the flood of tears to start streaming down my face as I said those words but with a surprised face she gave me a hug and said, “Oh, Trina, it’s ok. Really, it’s ok. Let’s hang out more!”
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I apologized to someone or cried in front of them. And as embarrassing as apologizing and crying sounds, it allowed me to heal and reconnect with a friend I truly loved. Yes, it took some time and relational distance for me to realize all the ways I could have supported her better during those precious years as a new mom. Now, I’m so glad that we are hanging out again and have picked up right where we started.
We both went to Art in Bloom at the St. Louis Art Museum this year. We took so many pictures, marveled at the art and beautiful flower displays. “You remind me of spring. You have the brightest smile and are so positive and sweet.”
Hold onto those friends who make you feel that way. Even if you have to apologize. Even if you need to reconnect. You won’t regret it, trust me.
