When people hear you’re a foster parent. You’ll get one of two things…. “I could never do it; I’d get too attached” or “I’ve always wanted to do that.”
What strikes me is how many people tell me they have thought about being a foster parent. So what’s stopping them? Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that everyone is meant to be a foster parent. However, some myths should be unhinged before we write off the fact that many people have a heart for hurting children yet don’t know what to do to help. I also firmly believe that everyone can do SOMETHING to support broken families and children who have experienced trauma… but I’m getting ahead of myself.
I’m a mom to two biological sons and a foster daughter who has been in our care over two years. She is our daughter. In every sense of the word. But also, she’s not. She’s not legally ours – she doesn’t share our name. I am told when to take her to the doctor and dentist and have useless forms filled out and returned to caseworkers. I must report where she is when we travel or if she spends the night with grandparents.
Some days, or weeks, I forget she’s in custody of the state. She is so innately a part of our family. Some weeks it’s more obvious as I’m told where we have to be and when and have limited options of which dentist to choose. Visits, meetings, court dates, physicals, writing court reports, gathering them from therapists. There’s court days that cause butterflies the size of Texas all for nothing to happen. Our life with her is a rollercoaster, sometimes coasting, living like such a “normal” family, while other times emotions run high all to drop you 100 feet to another period of waiting.
We had another sweet girl with us for four months. From the start, we knew she’d be reunifying with mom. Our family is in love with her. Our boys doted on her and the girls the best of friends. We were able to pray over her and for her mama as she was working towards her goals before taking her home. And just a couple weeks ago, we excitedly (and selfishly sorrowfully) took her to her mom where she joyfully went, knowing she would be staying. This is what it’s about. Parents gaining support and services for what they need to achieve stability and raise their children.
Yes, we get too attached. Every minute with that sweet girl was worth it. The kisses and cuddles, the bond built between our children and her. Imagine walking into a stranger’s house, having to sleep in a strange place, eating foods you may have never before, having to figure out an entire new way of life. This is what we are desperate to show our children: that there is a world outside of our bubble, there are hardships greater than losing in Mario Kart and not getting the snack you want…that we can cheer these mamas on to provide what’s needed for their children…and that our home is open to those who need a space for whatever time that is. No less than 80 times have my kids said “Where’s *sweet girl*?” My daughter wakes up saying “I miss her.” It’s not easy but it’s also so much bigger than us.
So what is stopping people from embracing this process? Fear? Hard yes, in so many forms. Fear of the unknown; fear of failure, hard things, discomfort, losing time, losing “things”….fear of grieving.
What is important to realize is foster parents are JUST LIKE YOU. We’re not “saints”; we’re not angels on Earth; we’re no more patient than you, even. We are parents who carpool to swim team, play at the park 800 hours a week, hide in the closet with chocolate, sign homework sheets, yell and regret it, stare admiringly at their kids in bed, and lose sleep over all that’s tough in the world.
If you aren’t able or willing to bring children into your home, that’s ok! Here are some practical ideas of ways to serve kids in hard places and the parents that are helping raise them.
Ways You Can Support Children in Foster Care
1) Become a licensed respite provider
If you don’t have the time or space to host full-time, licensed respite providers are needed to give breaks or help to foster families as needed. For many reasons, foster parents use designated respite hours and you have complete control over what you can or cannot accept.
2) Babysit for a foster family
I cannot, in words, explain how this supports a foster family. There are 1,000 appointments, and who doesn’t need date nights? Life is a bit easier when a trusted sitter is on hand, and they will be able to confidently take in more kids more often. (One time someone offered to babysit, on her own accord. She said “What night works? I’ll bring dinner for the kids and you do whatever you want.” I literally cried)
3) Be creative in serving foster families.
Take a meal, bring a coffee, send a text of encouragement, love on their kids when you’re around. Pick up the gallon of milk, clean their house or just a dish or two, send a delivery Panera salad. There are a million little ways to serve people. Have fun and spread joy!
4) Become a youth mentor or CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate)
Engage with local foster and empowerment programs. In St. Louis, just a few are the Foster and Adoption Care Coalition, One Heart Family Ministries, Children’s Home Society, Mission: St. Louis and many more!
5) Donate
Clothes, diapers, gift cards. Donate to programs like the St. Louis Crisis Nursery, One Heart Family Ministries, Foster and Adoption Coalition, Valley Park Foster Closet, South County Foster Closet, and they will support local foster children and families.
Amanda has lived in St. Louis for all but 9 months of her 31 years. After marrying her high school sweetheart, they quickly began their adventures together. Always planning a trip, they make time for traveling with and without the kids. They have two biological sons, a foster daughter of nearly 3 years and have had around 15 other kids in and out of their house since 2012. Amanda loves summer, family fun, sleep, and a good glass of wine and appetizers.
