How do we support Giftedness and Perfectionism in our kids?
I have been participating in the PAT (Parents as Teachers) program since my first child was born. This is an early education home visiting program that offers developmental screenings and parent resources.
At every milestone screening, my first daughter tested above average for her age, in some areas significantly above. At age two, she was memorizing books, word for word, and speaking in full, complex sentences. My husband and I were privately suspicious— is she “normal” or “exceptional?” Afraid we’d be seen as bragging or exaggerating, we didn’t talk to other parents about it. My PAT educator suggested my daughter might be gifted. Both of her kids are in gifted programs at school, so she had personal and professional experience.
What is Gifted?
There isn’t one definition for giftedness, though it is generally associated with advanced intelligence and high achievement capability. Some children will excel in multiple domains, and others are proficient in one area.
Common traits of gifted learners:
- comprehends material one or more levels above their peers
- imaginative
- problem solvers
- emotional sensitivity at a young age
- strong curiosity, intense interest in unique topics (like dinosaurs or rocks)
- mature sense of humor
- absorbs information quickly
I was encouraged to follow my toddler’s lead — teach her when she showed interest and be patient when she got frustrated. My PAT educator cautioned that young kids can start above average, then plateau as they reach school age, yet others go on to test as gifted.
Testing and services vary from state to state and from district to district, so it is important to learn when your school allows testing and how it defines giftedness. Some districts start testing as early as 3 years and 6 months, but not where we live.
When the Gift Doesn’t Feel like a Gift
By age 4, my daughter was unable to handle mistakes. Simple tasks like drawing a circle or doing a puzzle were too “impossible,” even if she had done them before. She had major outbursts — throwing her marker and laying on the ground kicking and crying. When I asked her preschool teacher how she copes with mistakes, she smiled and said she doesn’t make mistakes. She said she was ready for kindergarten. As her mother, I felt helpless and confused.
I later learned social and emotional issues are not uncommon for gifted learners, and they often save any maladaptive behaviors for the privacy and safety of home.
What to watch for:
- anxiety
- perfectionism
- stress
- emotional insecurity
- temper outbursts
- frustration
- boredom
Gifted children may also have a special need or disability. This could be a speech/language impairment, dyslexia, or an emotional/behavioral disorder like ADHD. This is referred to as “twice-exceptional.”
According to Dr. Kumar Mehta, author and founder of Bridges Insight, the most important thing parents can do for children on this path is to encourage an environment where they can explore and pursue their interests.
What about Perfectionism
I found a parent support meeting through the local Gifted Resource Council. The topic was Perfectionism. Suddenly I was getting an education on my own condition. As a writer, perfectionism is a terrible hindrance. Rather than getting words on paper, I’m constantly editing myself as I write.
But I’m not gifted.
Some say there is a hereditary aspect to this personality trait, but everyone agrees that your environment helps shape it. My perfectionism developed as a coping strategy for living in an alcoholic home. My husband sees perfectionist qualities in himself and his mother.
Even though my daughter is now a kindergartener and has not been formally tested for giftedness, perfectionism is a very real challenge.
Pitfalls of Perfectionism:
- unhealthy need for approval or acknowledgment
- “almost perfect” is still a failure
- highly critical of self and others
- result-oriented (opposed to process-oriented)
- unrealistic expectations
- fear of failure
- procrastination
Perfectionism is a big obstacle for many children and adults. You cannot achieve your potential if you are afraid of trying. Early screening has been essential in implementing coping strategies before my daughter started kindergarten, but we continue to struggle. My journey to help her has ultimately helped me face my own struggles. Together we will succeed — at failing and persevering.
Christina Corcoran moved to St. Louis in 2004 after completing her bachelor’s degree from University of Missouri. She studied journalism, but found her way to sociology. She and her husband started their family in Soulard and after having their second child, moved to Webster Groves. She mostly identifies as a stay-at-home mom, but makes time for writing, reading, and gardening. Currently she is working on a book about perfectionism in young children and how parents can help them cope with fear, shame and insecurity.
