My husband asked me how I was feeling.
“I’m doing fine. Okay, I guess,” I said.
“No, really, how are you feeling?” He said I was pale and looked tired.
“Well, my body is tired and my head hurts. But I didn’t sleep well, and we have a lot to do today.”
Eventually, I fell asleep on the couch. I was definitely sick.
We are fortunate enough to have a basement with its own bathroom, couch, and television. When one of us is sick, quarantine to the basement! I won’t lie, sometimes it’s a nice respite. This was my fate today.
After a day, my husband came downstairs and repeated the narrative above. But I was struggling to tell him how I was really feeling. Not because it was a secret, but because I kind of wasn’t sure myself! Motherhood has changed how I understand my own body in so many ways. When it comes to being sick, my usual measure is: Can I parent? Am I “good enough”? Am I sick with something that will get others sick?
When it comes time to truly evaluating how I am feeling, I am not really sure. I have lost a sense of what is happening in my body and how to tell if I am tired because of the usual parenting stuff or if I am fatigued due to illness.
“Go rest,” he said.
After some pushback, I made my way to the basement, unsure if I was being selfish or doing the right thing. I felt guilty about my husband taking on the parenting by himself. I felt worried that the kids would need me and I would not be available. I thought about the kitchen that needed to be cleaned, the floor to be mopped, and the dinner to be made. Will he remember to take them to basketball practice? Will he pack the right shoes, snacks, and outerwear?
Don’t get me wrong, he is a very engaged dad. It had nothing to do with his parenting skills or my kids’ behavior when they are with him. It had everything to do with my anxiety and sense of control. If I was in the basement, I was relying on others to do things for me and to help him. That’s uncomfortable as Mom. He might forget to make a vegetable with dinner or let the kids stay up a little late. Let’s be real – my kids would love it!
Instead, I stayed in the basement. I let my body rest. Sure, I felt guilty about the load I was giving him. But I would not hesitate to do the same. And most parents would literally pay for this kind of help. The foundation of this partnership is doing this for one another and, even when it’s hard, doing it because it is the right thing to do. And to be honest, isn’t it the right thing to do for me to rest? My body needs it and my kids need to see me do it. They need to see the value of rest. They need to see a partnership where we are not guilting one another and happily step up to support in a time of need. They need to see a mother taking a break.
I stayed sick for almost a week. Days in the basement, watching television, and reading books. As nice as it was to relax, I missed those stinkers! I’m glad to be back up in the sun … and screaming and mess.
