Alright mama, pull up a chair. It’s time for a heart-to-heart. I’ve been having the same conversation with many of my mama friends recently, so I’ve decided to send my thoughts out into the void with some plain talk about sex.
Ahh to be young and carefree in love again. I remember the early days of my life as a newlywed quite vividly. At times it was intoxicating the attraction I felt for my spouse. We had all the time in the world to communicate with spontaneous texts, phone calls, date nights … and all the time in the world to enjoy a physically intimate relationship. Whenever we wanted. Uninterrupted.
And then we decided it was time to start our family. I had no clue that beginning my journey to motherhood would fundamentally change my sexual life for the time being. We got our big fat positive and in just a few weeks, the wheels came off the whole thing. Morning sickness hit HARD, and I was in bed every night at 8pm and felt like a shell of my pre-pregnant self. It was brutal. I was in survival mode, and sex was the last thing on my radar.
Back in the Saddle Again
I experienced a nearly-perfect delivery, and six weeks postpartum we were ready to resume our physical relationship. Almost immediately my desire ebbed and flowed, and I could tell things were different. I found myself suddenly distracted during intimacy. Isn’t it weird that I was just feeding the baby and now he’s RIGHT THERE? Gah, please stop touching me there.
A few years later, our second, much larger baby arrived, and this time I experienced a rough delivery and a very painful recovery. When we attempted intimacy after my 6-week postpartum check-up, I knew right away it was a no-go. So I found a good pelvic rehabilitation therapist and got to work. After about 6 weeks, things finally started to look up. But I had to retrain my brain to not equate intimacy with pain.
The Motherhood Mentality
All the while, I haven’t quite figured out how to turn off being a mother while simultaneously being a sexual being. The fear of someone waking up, or getting sick, or forgetting something on my to-do list looms 24/7 and I don’t feel the same freedom to enjoy intimacy as I did when I wasn’t a mother. In some ways, I feel like that part of my heart and body are turned off for the time being, whether that’s OK or not. I’m perpetually exhausted and of all the things I feel on any given day, sexy is not usually one of them. So, what’s a mama to do?
Fighting through the Fog
Many days I feel as though I’m in a fog and wonder when I will emerge. Will my pre-baby sexual self ever return? It’d be one thing if I were married to a dud, but my husband is an involved dad, a hard worker and mega handsome (swoons!) Logic would dictate that I would want to jump his bones, but most of the time I just don’t.
PS – It doesn’t help that I’m breastfeeding. Nature is beautifully constructed in that your body seems to shut down as if to say, I’m taking care of this one, don’t make another one right away!
These are some things I’ve done to fight through the fog of sexual apathy:
- Make intimacy a priority. I know how tempting it is to have sex be an afterthought when you’re in the throes of caring for children. But we schedule time for it and treat it as an important appointment we wouldn’t miss.
- Seek out other forms of intimacy. Most of the time I’m exhausted and just don’t want to be touched any more. We put down our phones, even when we want to disengage, and talk to each other. We force ourselves to talk about anything but our kids. We kiss, hold hands, hug, flirt, laugh, eat a good meal together, or do chores together (hot, right?).
- Be honest. There are so many times when I’ve had to be openly honest with my spouse and say “I want to WANT to be intimate, but I just have no actual desire and I don’t know why. I am so sorry. I love you and this is about me, not you.”
- Fake it Till you Make it. And no, I’m not talking about faking an orgasm. Please don’t do that. I’m talking about those moments when your kid is dying to go to the park but you’d rather stay at home. Well, ultimately don’t you have a sweet time with your kid once everyone is dressed and out the door? I propose the same for sex. Even when I’m exhausted or would rather do ten other things on my to-do list (sleep comes to mind), I try to initiate or agree to sex if it’s been awhile since the last time we were intimate.
- Seek professional help. Talk with a licensed professional counselor or your medical doctor about your concerns, whether physical or emotional. I have done both.
Perhaps this post doesn’t apply to you. Maybe your sexual life is as rich as it’s ever been, and I’m SO glad for that! Keep on rocking and rolling! You’re amazing!
But if my post resonates with you, please know that you’re not alone. And you’re not a freak. I believe that you are more normal than you can imagine, and I see you as an amazing mom doing the best you possibly can.
Sex is important. Sex is like glue. Don’t cheat yourself of a rich intimate relationship with your spouse. Sex is a beautiful gift that can help bond your marriage when it feels like you’re hanging on by a thread. Invest in your spouse in any way you can and hold tightly to each other through the changing seasons of your marriage. Remember, your spouse came before the kids, and he’ll be there after. Don’t let him slip through the cracks.
