A Daughter Always Needs Her Mama

As we get knee deep in the leaves of fall— the days getting shorter, the dark being longer than the light … I find myself literally in a debilitating place of GRIEF. 

 

November 5th – February 5th. has now become the time of the year that I dread.

You see, a series of horrible events stemming from my Mom having lung cancer happened during this time, and she declined very rapidly. Within exactly three months … she was gone. I relive each event every.single.year … usually quietly in my head … sometimes on social media, if I choose to share … but I relive these nightmarish events every year. 

… during these hard times and ALWAYS … I NEED MY MOM. 

… I need her when I am sad. I need her when I am happy. I need her …

… I need her when my kids go through milestones. When my son says he wants to be an Engineer just like me! The same thing she always used to call me because I always was her “little engineer”. When her grandbabies do things, say things for the first time!!! I want to run to her … I need her to tell me how proud she is of her grandbabies … of me … like she always did…

… I need her when I need the BEST advice. She was an encourager … I need her faith … She always walked by faith and not by sight. Her knowledge and wisdom inspired me and so many others. 

… I need her to check on me and ask me when it’s snowing outside … “Hi sweetie- did you make it to work okay?”. I need my Mommy to worry about me; because my Mommy was the best worrier … and you know what? I miss that … I miss her. 

… I need her now that I am a few years away from 40. I need her to tell me and the whole world a million times about my birth story as my birthday nears this month. Now that she is gone … I’m the only one who knows my birth story … but, when I tell it- it’s not the same… 

… I need her recipes. The ingredients she used to cook my favorite rice!! I need her to bake me a lemon cake for my birthday like she always would. I need her greens and macaroni salad for Thanksgiving!

… I need her to tell me that everything will be okay when I am feeling overwhelmed or defeated in parenting. I need her to say, “This, too, shall pass,” like she always would. 

… I need her hugs. Her hugs would make everything better. No bandaids needed! It was like the best blanket of love. All I needed was my Mom’s hug, and a kiss on my cheek, and all in the world was good …

…I need her to say my name, like only a Mommy can say their child’s name … just ONE.MORE.TIME …

 

I need her Love. Her love was THE BEST- unlike any other type of Love. It was unconditional, ever-lasting … no love like my Mommy’s love. She loved me, and I loved her- she was MY PERSON, and always will be. 

 

So, a daughter always needs her Mama. Even if she is in Heaven … I still need her. You see, all of the above is no more. And it’s almost unbearable at times. I need my Mommy …

… but, until we meet again …. all of those things she instilled in me, how she loved me so hard, how she protected me, how she cooked every single day, how we hugged every morning of every day …. all these things … DO still exist…

… just in a different way.

I keep her alive by how I care and LOVE my children. My two guys ….

I’m trying my best!!!! She would say, “well, that’s all I can ask!”. I love her and miss her, dearly …

I will always need my Mommy.